Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading So sick and tired of all the needless beating
Profile SamBaey, Hockey.Child of God Tagboard Exits Credits ©Glamouresque.	Saturday, July 23, 2016 After all is said and done Funny how life unfolds, and at this age, i'm still learning how to manage my emotions and knowing myself better each day. I write here because for some strange reason i can't seem to remember my lj password, and also because perhaps, this space would be as private as i can get. My birdy concert is coming up soon, and i just know how much her music is going to mean to me during this really difficult period in my life. Its not that i didn't see this coming, or not that i can't handle this. But still, the grief that has suddenly overwhelmed me today has been just wholly embraced by me. Through the last 6 years, i felt a certain connection to you that i can't even explain. Even if i never showed you enough or told you enough during the earlier years how much you were starting to mean to me. Or even if i stupidly held so much in and only told you towards the end, causing it to explode in our faces, i wont deny how important your presence has been in my life. Even though we may seem to believe in different things on the surface, i was always slightly more reliant on you in some strange way that no pastor or church pal could ever offer me. And i don't want to lie to myself anymore, but perhaps this is just a new step in knowing myself better. Grieving has been really therapeutic, in the strange sort of way - if only to actually put a kind of confirmed stamp on how real everything probably was, even if it was during the rare moments we connected. But it was so consistent and i almost thought there was going to be a great celebration at the end of these few moments, but i realised that perhaps we were just really great jugglers of this extremely delicate balance, and that's why it could go on for as long as this. It feels amazing but after taking the risk to tip the scales a bit, we never really got around to finding that balance again. That elusive balance. And you found someone else to connect with as what i could tell from your blog posts a few months back. And great, i am happy you managed to find that connection with someone else, but for me i'm just going to relish our journey and just hope, and have faith that somehow the universe/God knows best. My sadness unexplainable, my heart overwhelming with grief, but also knowing that it was real, and that ironically, it was my expectations again that tip the scales. But i was just being true to myself and those were what i wanted, and it just never materialized. I failed, but at least i live without regrets, and thank you for playing such a huge part in my life despite us not meeting often. It could only be one sided but in every friendship/relationship, we learn so much about ourselves and of others. Glad to know that my heart - it recovered from the horrendous heartbreak years ago and this is an evidence of love and grief. I write a lot, i explain a lot, and i actually wish something will eventually point you to this space. That we are all shaped by the different people in our lives, and ultimately we make the choices that determine the rest of our lives. Giving myself more time to heal, to fully grieve, but at least i know, that the light is coming, and more importantly, change is coming. Love you forever and always, Sam Saturday, June 28, 2014 wow my last post was last year May. and the content couldn't be more different then what I'm feeling right now. I think at the end of the day I just really want to know how I can contribute to the world and not just that little bubble that i've put myself into for the last 4-5 years. This freedom is liberating but it doesn't come with its struggle and I just no longer want to feel controlled you know what i mean. I just want to make the choices necessary for me life and live by it or even change it if i feel like i can't handle it. Not anyone else's life but my own. Wednesday, May 15, 2013 I desire You be praised. Im loving this chillax lifestyle just after exams. And just figuring out what to do with my life without anyone rushing me. And my train journey that is coming up! :D And suddenly i feel a renewed sense of passion for church,whatever that means. I guess there's no other  route that brings me that much satisfaction and joy. Sometimes i really make the most spontaneous and random choices. HAH lucky no damage was done. Must really think before i speak next time. I miss going on mission trips, I need to talk to Serene soon again about her Joshua Program. And 3 years back God promised to build bridges, to restore all that i lost. Its been soooo tiring so much pain just trying to rebuild my entire life. And im just thankful for all that has transpired thus far. Full restoration is soon to be complete and i believe God is preparing me for even greater things in life. Cant wait. :D Tuesday, April 16, 2013 G-l-a-ma-o-r-u-s Love love this song it was the song for me when i was 18. Everything of the song was what i actually wanted, aspired at that age. To live in the fast lane; but i guess God had other things in mind. And being the obedient daughter i am, i chose to forgo living a hedonistic lifestyle and instead dedicate to loving people. haha i hope im still doing this life right. heh
But baby, where they knock you down and out Is where you oughta stay